Dear are you going to apologize

15 Apr

Dear you,

I still wonder if you’re going to apologize. Actually, I wonder if you even realize an apology is appropriate, and yes, necessary. Because what you’ve done to me hurt, even though at times you made me very happy. Six months is a very long time for an unsingle guy to flirt with a girl who is not his girlfriend. Especially when she’s desperately head over heels for him…the non-girlfriend, that is.. You’ve been with her for a year now, right? I thought by now I could have forgotten you. But I suppose absence does make the heart grow fonder….as sick as it is.

I keep imagining this conversation playing out between the two of us; spoken, not typed. I say the things already stated above. And you, being male, want to know what on earth you’ve done to me. Don’t you remember all those times in class when you oh-so-casually caressed my hand…my arm…my neck? That playful smile that never seemed to leave your face? Complimenting me all the time? You just had to be so goddamn sweet to me, didn’t you? At this point I start to cry…and you are bewildered. I imagine it’s because none of your other girl “friends” have complained. I’m sure it’s because they’re all smarter than me, or better yet, have boyfriends. They’re used to you and how you treat your girl friends. But I’m not. I can’t ever get used to it, because when you touch me I feel angry, but I can’t bear for you to stop. My heart is torn every time I look at you. And I take every compliment to the fullest extent, no matter how you mean it.

But I know I can’t ever tell you any of this. I’ve read this stupid letter over and over, imagining what would happen if you actually read it. And I will never ever send it because I can’t stand for you to be unhappy. Funny isn’t it? As much pain as you’ve caused me…I still want you to be happy. I’m addicted to your attention. I was deathly afraid things would change between us when my best friend accidentally let it slip that I liked you…but it didn’t. Maybe your affection for me even grew stronger…you became a better actor. Because of course you were acting, or why didn’t you leave her? Oh yeah, that’s right, you’ve never dumped a girl…afraid to treat one badly, are you?  How ironic.  More likely I have been too blind to see I am no different than any girl who gets close to you. Tonight was the first time I realized that it’s all a joke. I’m sure you’ve enjoyed me feeding your enormous ego, maybe that’s why you’ve been leading me on. It’s all a joke because nothing will ever change between us, except maybe you’ll decide to be a man and leave me alone…spend some time with your fucking girlfriend. If there was ever any hope for us you would have wanted to see me this summer…answered my goddamn emails at least.

But this is what makes me the saddest…I don’t want that to happen. I’m so hopelessly devoted that I would rather take the sting with the pleasure than take isolation. You are still one of the sweetest guys I’ve ever met…I just can’t understand why you’ve done this to me. I hate you and I love you and I still want to be your friend. It’s you that keeps me up at night, you’re the one keeping me from other guys…or at least from wanting them. I’m sick and tired of it all but I just can’t give it up. You’re despicable.

Love,

Me.

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