Dear R

15 Apr

R,

I have never hated anyone before, but right now I really, really want to hate you.. I can’t believe that the last time I saw you, you were fucking around with him behind my back.  You sat by him and flirted and I stood by watching but knowing absolutely nothing.  I am just furious about that.  You were flirting with him (and probably more) when we were still together. We HAD been on a break before that.  But we were trying to work it out.  I thought it was going to work out.  It never would have, and that could very well be because of you. How could he ever put his whole heart into our relationship when he was thinking about you?!  You were fucking with him when he was so vulnerable.  And believe me, he is just as much to blame.  As soon as I went out of town, he latched onto you and cuddled with you and held your fucking hand.  ALL I HAD TO DO WAS LEAVE.  And the nerve of him to do all of that in front of our friends.  He fucking knew I would hear about it and he damn well should have known I would be irate.  You BOTH should have known better.

You made me feel so cheated and so worthless.  You made me question the two and a half years I spent with M…the best years of my life.  I felt like a used toy, thrown away and replaced so quickly.  And so cheaply.  The fact that he picked YOU shot my self-esteem to hell.  And because I can’t fucking seem to shake it off, I still want M to be happy.  And if he thinks that he can be happy with you, I will just laugh and watch the bastard thing unfold.  You are a rebound, and you just so happen to be a rebound in the worst kind of way.  I am older, wiser, hotter, stronger, funnier, smarter, more beautiful, more talented, more liked, and I know him better than you ever will. You will never figure him out, and I will never help you.  Until this summer, he barely even knew you existed.  You were the first thing available when he needed a pity fuck.  I hope you never forget that.

Oh, and I had all of these friends first, honey..  I know math is probably hard for you, but I was in high school for THREE YEARS before you came along.  M wouldn’t have any of these friends if it weren’t for me…and they are all on my side.  They may seem like they are being neutral, but I have earned their loyalty and love and NONE OF THEM care about you half as much as they care about me.  If I asked, they would drop out of your life in a second.  I would never do that, because I have at least a scrap of decency in me.  But how I would love to see that happen.  You would be alone so fast you wouldn’t know what hit you.  But I hope you would at least know why. I wish you were miserable and lonely right now.  I wish you were hurting as much as I am.

J.

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