Dear you

15 Apr

Dear you,

I hope you don’t regret being open and honest with me. In these past couple months, you have done that more than you have in our entire relationship. Every time I ask how you’re feeling, you have told me, straight up. That is so brave, especially because I keep shooting you down. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now.

I don’t even know exactly what I’m going through right now. I’m sure you’re tired of waiting around for me—I think I would be, if I were you—but I still feel like I’m doing what’s best for us. I am just trying to have faith that in the end, this summer will have been worth it. And that’s going to be true no matter how things turn out. I know I’m confusing you by crying so much and showing you a little of the pain I’m feeling…and then, each time, turning away again. It’s horrible for me to do that to you, but you are doing so well at being honest with me, I can only try to do the same.

I can tell you one thing for sure: I know that I still love you, but I also know that it’s different than it was. My feelings for you have changed and they are still changing. I don’t know when it started, really, and I definitely don’t know why. Don’t immediately take that as a bad thing. I have not lost hope in us being together, if that’s what God wants for us. But it’s going to take more time for me to know exactly what my feelings mean and how they are going to play out with us. I’m frustrated because it isn’t fair that you and I can’t always have the same feelings.

The worst part about all of this is knowing what I am doing to you. Well, it’s more like guessing, because as awesomely honest as you have been, I know you don’t show me the extent of your pain. But I know I am hurting you, and I hate myself for that. For the past three years, I have cared more about your happiness than my own, and I’m just now realizing what a huge and scary thing that is. It was so easy and I didn’t even know I was doing it. But that has linked us together, and the more I hurt you, the more I hurt myself.

But I don’t think I give you enough credit. In the past couple months, I have felt like I am responsible for your happiness, and by leaving you, I am robbing you of that. But it is ridiculous for me to think that your whole being, all of your happiness, relies on me. I know you are so much more than that. I never would have respected or loved you so much if your happiness depended on a person or a thing.

So, I am asking you to do the hardest thing: trust.  I am not asking you to trust me, because I can’t even do that.  I am asking you to join me in trusting God.  He brought us together, and he wants the very, very best for us.  He made my feelings start to change for a reason, something we may not understand for a long time.  But I am letting him hold my hand while I go somewhere scary and new.  The best thing I can do is pray: for me, for you, and for us.  I hope you can do that, too.

Love (if I can say that), me.

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