Dear Ex-boyfriend

16 Apr

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

You have something of mine. No, not that case of beer I left at your place. (Which I do want back, btw)

I want my heart back.

I’ve been blessed/cursed with a willing heart, I have always been able to fall easily and fully commit myself to another person. Which is a wonderful feeling when you’re in a relationship, but when it’s over, it sucks donkey balls. I normally bounced back after my heart had been broken, eventually picking up the pieces and moving on, fearlessly giving my heart to the next guy.

Then you came along. You seemed nearly perfect, you bought me flowers, you took me out on cute dates, you gave me a toothbrush. You have been and are going places, I have never dated someone like you. We were talking about taking trips together, making plans. Everything happened so quickly. I fell for you and I fell HARD, and I thought you had too. I knew I should be more cautious, but I was already in it and your actions made me swim further into the deep end.

And then, as we both know, it got shot to hell. You got really weird seemingly overnight, you ditched me ON MY BIRTHDAY, you ignored me for a while, and then I caught you out with someone else. You chose her. (Bad idea btw, she’s kind of plain. She is the Sofia Coppola to my Diablo Cody. Downgrade.)

Yeah, dick move. And we had the awkward break up talk, I was oddly cool with everything, now we’re still “friends” or “acquaintances” or whatever you call a friendly exchange between exes. I should hate you, right? After what you did to me? I sometimes wish I did. I trusted you with my heart, you took it and didn’t break it, you just kept it. Yeah, sometimes I wish I was with you and my heart, not her, but right now I just want the heart back.

See, in the past, I said I mended my broken heart and kept going, and when someone else rolled around, I was free to dive in head first if need be. Now? I am incredibly detached from the guys that are interested in me, and I am so ridiculously scared to get close to them. Sure, this has helped me a few times when there have been some douchenozzle guys that just want to get in my pants. And it has helped me weed out the weirdos that are kind of nice, but kind of creepy nice. So, in that sense, you have saved me some heartache, so thanks, I guess.

But what happens when a decent man actually worthy comes along? Am I going to do the same thing I did to these weirdos? My roommate is a very closed off and private person, it’s hard for her to truly allow herself to open herself up and love someone. She has always envied my openness and willingness to love.

Sure, heartache hurts and is horrible, but when will I feel that pure, unadulterated, feeling of being in love again? I’m so scared that my blessing is gone. So, can I please have that there heart back? I want to feel something again. You found it with someone else behind my back, I think it’s only fair that you help me find that same bliss.

The past few kisses I have had have been boring and lifeless, I can’t connect. Can’t even fake it. I want another good kiss. And since it’s not going to be from you, I’d appreciate your help so I can find it from someone else.

-Heartless.

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