Dear Abuser

9 May

Dear Abuser,

The intent of our relationship from the beginning was revenge. My heart ached, my soul throbbed, and I simply wanted it to stop. I knew being with you would hurt him … and so it began. I didn’t mean to fall so quickly, but I don’t feel as if I was in control of that. You are charming, handsome, and smart … everything a woman hopes for in a man. Who knew those bright, blue eyes and dark, curly hair hid a manipulative sense of ownership and jealousy.  I consider myself a strong woman. I consider myself to have my best interests in mind. Dating you was not in my best interest. My family hated you, my friends warned me about your actions, but I was blind to all of it. I loved you, you loved me, and that’s all there was to it.

I once read a book about a girl in an abusive relationship. I vividly remember reading the words and thinking to myself, “I don’t understand how women let that happen!”

Now, I know.

You can’t possibly fathom the emotional rollercoaster of an abusive relationship unless you’ve experienced its turns and drops first hand. The words “I love you” and “I want to spend forever with you” have incredible healing power and the ability to erase any negative action.

At first it was little things, like maybe hitting me a little too hard playing “slug bug.” And there was your constant verbal abuse … but to the point that I only knew you were cutting me down if I thought about it, so I didn’t. You loved me, which was enough. Then came the day when you pushed me down the stairs. In my mind now, sane people would have ended it there … I apparently wasn’t sane, because I stayed with you. Truthfully, it’s only over because you ended it, and for that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Because of the tremendous emotional pain you caused me, eventually I was able to find myself and move forward with my life. I was able to find the true love of my life and, you don’t know this, but we’re getting married in September. I’ve heard you’ve matured and are dating someone new. I hope she gets the strength to realize that she has incredible self worth without you … just like I did. I forgive you because hatred is a heavy burden to carry and I still, somehow, believe in the intrinsic good of all people.

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