Dear 5591

17 May

5591,

I have had struggled so much with the thought of telling you how much you have changed my life. To you I am just another face in the crowd, another person who feels like I have this unseen attachment to you. But if I had the courage, I would tell you that I was a lost soul, completely obsessed with the holes in my heart and barely living before your music touched my life. I guess that sounds so generic, but I was 20 years old and praying every day for death for anything for just a second to feel some sort of reprieve from the pressure in my chest and the fog in my head. I didn’t trust myself or my actions, and every medication I put into my body turned on me… made me more suicidal or detached. I was helpless. A friend let me flip through her CD’s, and I saw a CD called “Argue With a Tree” the name immediately caught my attention as it was something my Grandmother would say to me. “You just like to argue. You would argue with a tree if it would talk back.” I listened intently feeling so connected with the music. When I got to Black Orchid, and I listened to you speak before the song started playing, I felt this knot form in my gut and breathing started to become nearly impossible. As I listened to the music mix with the lyrics my chest was aching and then the strangest thing happened. For the first time in 20 years I felt like someone somewhere felt the pain that I had felt my entire life. I started sobbing uncontrollably. Ironically enough it was tears of joy… as much as the song reflected the darkest days of my life, the overwhelming feeling of knowing I was not alone in this universe set my mind at ease, and for a moment my mind was quiet. I had a moment of peace, and I could breathe. That was the day I decided to LIVE, not just exist.

It has been 3 years, and my life is no where near perfect, as I don’t know if it every really can be when dealing with chemical imbalances in your brain, I can say that I don’t pray for death anymore. I am happy when my eyes open in the morning, and I am fortunate to be able to start a new day. I feel like sometimes breathing is still hard, but instead of an elephant on my chest it is more like a St. Bernard. (haha) I have found love and married a wonderful man. I found an extended family in your fans… I have never had family before, and the acceptance did wonders for my confidence.

I told you thank you once, and started crying…. You hugged me and said “I understand…” and I knew you did. I knew you didn’t know the specifics, but that you got that I had waited all my life to hear that someone understood me.

Words will never be enough. Thank you for having the strength to stand up and say what so many are afraid or ashamed to say. We are out here, and we need you to tell us we are not alone.
Forever Grateful,

KM

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5 Responses to “Dear 5591”

  1. Jennifer May 17, 2009 at 10:52 pm #

    I comend you on your letter. It’s heartbreakingly beautiful. Thank you for sharing this. Justin lyrics are a form of therapy to so many, including myself.
    Jenn

  2. AvgJoe May 18, 2009 at 1:17 pm #

    Justin does an awesome job of letting us know that we are not alone. He is a lyrical genius. Therapy and healing are found in his words.

  3. A friend May 19, 2009 at 1:59 pm #

    I happen to know you and I think YOU are an amazing person. You are kind and generous to everyone around you. You are beautiful inside and out and I wish there were more you’s around! I am so happy that his music touches you, but don’t forget how many you touch and never forget how many people love and admire you! Thank you for this wonderful letter and of course I now have to go and listen to the music!

  4. Nia May 19, 2009 at 9:35 pm #

    This is beautiful and so true for so many. I feel like I could have written so much of this, though my circumstances were different.

    Much love to you, KM, and I am glad that you, as I, have found Justin’s music.

  5. Stacey June 6, 2009 at 10:24 pm #

    Thank you for putting into words what so many of us can’t.

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