Dear “J”

21 May

Dear J,

There are so many things that I have wanted to say to you this past half year.  My thoughts on you are so jumbled and restless, I don’t even know if what I want to say will come out right.

I wonder every day how you are and what you are doing.  So many times I have questioned my past decisions, telling myself that we weren’t right for each other.  Sometimes I can convince myself of this and sometimes I cannot.  My biggest hope, though, is that you are happy and that you have been able to move on.

I hope you can eventually forgive me for the all the hurt I have caused you.  I never wanted to cause you pain and it kills me to think that I did.  I have made decisions on emotions I have no idea how to explain and I know that I am ridiculous.

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that we were wading through the Castlewood creek for the thousandth time.   I so wish we could be friends but I’m scared to know you again.  You would still be you and I would still be me and, like it has always been, we would still be best friends.

During our time together, I began making a list of all the things we had done together that particularly touched me, just so I wouldn’t forget.  This list grew and grew as time went on with funny and ridiculous and wonderful memories.

After everything was said and done, I added one last thing to the list:  The last kisses on my front porch.  This addition was against my better judgment because, after all, I was supposed to be moving on.  But how could I possibly leave this off the list?  It was last time I saw you.

Even though, right now, it pains me to recount the memories which are still so vivid in my mind, I will never delete this list.   I want to always remember how, even in the end, we always made out like porn stars.

I will never forget the impossibly good times I shared with you and I will always love you,

Love,

Your Penguin

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