Dear Little Brother

24 May

Little Brother,

We never told you what was going on. For years you watched as I tore the family into pieces, leaving you alone and confused. Mom and Dad, they just didn’t think you’d understand. I didn’t want to talk about it. Little Brother, I love you so much. I really regret not being able to be there for you until later. I know that dealing with me wasn’t easy. The mood swings and crazy times. My only regret in life is that I spent so many years ignoring you. You didn’t deserve it. You shouldn’t have had to live through that like you did.

Do you remember two years ago, September? When I first told you about who I really was? I remember. I remember watching you cry in that soft way that all of us do. When you told me that you knew I was dying, but thought I was dying from cancer, it broke my heart. Suicide attempts, depression, those are things I wish you never had to be exposed to. Watching you cry was the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and being the cause of those tears was the worst thing I’ve ever done.

Little Brother, I’m so sorry. I know things haven’t been easy for you. I know I caused a lot of hurt for you, and the rest of our family. But I hope you know that I love you. I hope you know you are one of the only reasons I’m able to push through the tough days.

I also hope that we never have to go through any suicidal thoughts or actions anymore. It’s hard for me to forgive myself for what I put you through. Mom and Dad understood, but it is hard to tell a 7th grader that you want nothing more than to lie down and end it. I’m so sorry I made you cry. I’m so sorry I caused you worry and hurt. Little Brother, I love you so much and I never want you to suffer like that by my doing again.

I’ve written a poem for you. One day I’ll let you read it.

Keep up the guitar, you’ll go places. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the next Tod A.

I love you Little Brother.

-Your Sister.

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2 Responses to “Dear Little Brother”

  1. Amanda June 5, 2009 at 4:32 am #

    I just wanted you to know how much your letter touched me. My older sister was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder when I was 13. She explained everything to me and I remember praying every night for her to be okay. I didn’t realize it then but I had severe depression as well. I remember one night we were driving down a freeway in the middle of the night and she just started crying and telling me how much she loved me and how suicide wasn’t the answer and no matter how many times she yelled at me she always loved me. She’s gotten a lot better since then and so have I. I haven’t thought about our illnesses for years now and I just want you to know that your letter touched me. Thank you.

  2. M August 22, 2009 at 12:32 am #

    I was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was younger. It hit me early and caused a lot of pain for me and my Little Brother. I’m glad my letter touched you. I’m glad you’re sister told you she loved you, because it’s something family members need to hear often, especially when they are frightened.

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