Dear Mom

26 May

Dear Mom,

Courtesy of sxc.hu

Courtesy of sxc.hu

They tell me I have your eyes, your laugh, your hair, and your smile. At times I wonder what parts of me are actually me and not you. When I was in high school Dad told me something that I will never forget. It haunts me almost daily because of the guilt and shame I feel. He said that sometimes he can’t even look at me without wanting to cry because it hurt him too much to see you in me. How is anyone supposed to take something so lightly? I often find your sisters staring at me, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s hard for them to see me too, like I’m a constant reminder of such a horrible time in all our lives. Living my life was like growing up in the shadow of an older sibling except it was my own mother whose life I had to live up to. For so long I didn’t want to be you, I wanted to be me. For once I wanted someone to recognize me for me and not automatically identify me with you. I never got the chance to be my own person. When I got my senior pictures taken in high school, it looked exactly like yours from when you were my age; I was horrified.  A little over a year ago I came to terms with your death and my life as
an extension of yours. I got a tattoo in honor of you, and it says “in me she lives,” because after nearly 21 years of hating to be reminded of how much I was you, I realized it was a blessing instead of a curse. You are part of me but I am not you, I am me.  Around the same time I got my tattoo I started dating someone that I never thought would lead to anything.  A year later I’m happy to say we’re headed in a serious direction, but something he said to me recently made me wonder about you. He said sometimes when he looks at me I look like an angel. Part of me hopes that angel in me is actually you shinning through.
Your daughter,

MB

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