Dear Big Brother

1 Jun

Dear Steve,

Why did you have to do what you did? Why were you so STUPID to jump out in the street and get hit. You could have prevented that if you have been fucking patient. I was only 9. Do you really think it was far for a 9 year old girl to go through what I did? But still,I miss you. It has been what, 8 years now? And I have outlived you. You didn’t even make it to graduate. You died before. I watched you waste away for 2 months. We all did. Hoping you would get better….I knew that you wouldn’t. And to be honest, I am glad. Glad that you didn’t have to live as a veggie. I always wonder how it would have been. If I hadn’t lost one of 5 brothers. Would we have been close? Would I be a different person? Would I be skinny and popular? Would I not be a total outcast living outside the real world? I don’t know. And I never will. It changed me for sure. And changed our family. I hate myself for losing your memory. Not remembering your voice. Or how you looked besides one picture hanging on my wall. I still cry about you you know. Sometimes I don’t think of you. But other times I do. It hurts. Most people my age don’t know what it feels like to lose someone. I do. Oh how I do. It sucks that we don’t even mention much about you. We moved on it seems. I haven’t. I will always miss you even though I barely knew you. I barely knew you. I never got the chance to grow up all the way with you. I will never forgive you for dying even though it wasn’t all your fault. But I just want you to know, even if time gets rid of everything I know about you, I will NEVER forget you. For as long as I live. Never. I hope you really are up there watching me. I hope you don’t think I am that much of a total loser.

Love always from your little sister,

Janel Rose


One Response to “Dear Big Brother”

  1. Jordan June 1, 2009 at 9:51 pm #

    I regret doing everything I did to you.
    I’m sorry that you cry everynight.
    I’m sorry I’m not knocking on your door right now. With flowers & chocolates.
    And giant sweet tarts.
    Your favorite.
    I regret everything.
    Everything besides the time I told you I loved you. The time we cuddled all day. The times you couldn’t stop smiling. Especially not the times we would kiss.
    Remember when we were happy?
    I am a complete, and total dick.
    I do not know how to treat you right. Obviously..
    But I want to learn.
    If you gave me one more chance; to make things right.
    Yes I know I said that before.
    But this time I mean it baby.
    I mean it.
    I regret not being able to read these with you anymore.
    I regret that you probably won’t even read these now either, because they remind you of me; and you hate me.
    Elizabeth. We are young. I know that. But you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. and I believe I am in love with you.
    I know you do NOT believe me.
    I know that. I dont blame you.
    But baby, I could say it over, and over, and over. You are all I need in this crazy life. And when I say that; I mean it.
    I couldn’t stand the fact that you were happy without me.
    I didn’t know what to do.
    I was weak, and that is another thing I regret.
    I don’t know how to put it in words, how incredibly much you mean to me. You are perfect; you are flawlessly imperfect.
    I’ll find someone new, eventually, but I’ll be thinking of you.
    I know that you have James now.
    And baby, you say he loves you for you.
    But I love you for you more.
    Im SUCH a god damn bastard.
    Can we please start over?
    Can we please go back to that day I first saw you. Where my heart skipped a beat.
    Or the day where we were just chillin on my couch, and you lay your head on my stomach, and you said you could hear my heart beat. And then you felt yours, and you said they matched. We are a perfect match.
    Well, no you are the perfect match for me, and James is the perfect match for you.
    I’d be glad if he made you happy.
    It just I can still feel my heart breaking. And YOU are the only one.
    I will always be here baby.
    always.. if you need anything, if you ever feel you are alone, RIGHT here. You do not, and can not understand how much I regret this. How much I regret that day I saw your eyes fill up with tears, and you got up and left. I know you have gone through hell, and back, to be with me. I know you have given me chance, after chance. And I do not expect you to give me another.
    I just want you to know.
    I love you.
    So insanely much.
    And when you put your head to your pillow tonight, please, do not let one tear fall from those beautiful blue eyes. I hope you fall asleep with a smile on your face.
    And i hope one day, whether it is tomorrow, or the day you take your last breath, I hope you think of me, and I hope you smile.
    I regret throwing away your love for me.
    I regret leaving that hole in your heart empty.
    I regret you letting someone else take it.
    As selfish as that is, I regret it.
    I regret you loving me.
    I regret breaking your heart.
    I regret breaking something that meant so much to me.

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