Dear First Love

21 Jul

Dear First Love,

I met you a year ago at my job. I sat down with you, and we talked for a couple of hours. I remember it was after an LSU game. You left, and I thought I would just never see you again just like any other guy. You came back, and I sat down with you again, and this time before you left you got my number. I was so excited. First, we just talked on the phone a lot. Well, I talked about anything and everything and you mostly listened because you weren’t the talkative type like me. The first time you came over to hang out we watched some show about roller coasters (looking back on that, I feel like that was a precursor to how our relationship would be, full of ups and downs) then before you left, you kissed me for the first time. It was the sweetest thing because I could tell you were nervous, and no guy had ever been nervous around me before. We continued to talk and hang out, then you had to move away for a while for work. I thought it was pretty much going to be over between us then, so I dated other people. I ended up getting pregnant in January, right around the time when you came back. Telling you I was pregnant with someone else’s child was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, even though we were not together. I told you if you didn’t ever want to talk to me again that I would understand. I came over that week so we could talk. Not only did you keep talking to me, but you told me that you had realized that you were in love with me. That was the biggest shock of my life. I didn’t know how you could ever love someone that slept with someone else and proceeded to get pregnant. I still admire you for that. I could never be that strong and unjudgmental. In the months after that, our feelings got more intense and I could honestly say that I had fallen in love with you too. We still weren’t together officially for different reasons, mostly having to do with us not being sure where our futures would lead us. You were trying to follow your dreams, I was preparing to be a new single mother. I was okay with us not being together, even though I really would have loved to be a couple. You were different from any other guy I have ever met because even though we weren’t officially together, I completely trusted you to never hurt me. You also brought me to meet your family, and I have never done that with another guy. I’ll never forget one time when we went out with some friends, and a country song came on and you took my hand and danced with me. I’ll never forget that moment for as long as I live. I think that was one of the happiest moments of my life, I felt so close to you. Months passed after that and things were going well, until suddenly they just started changing. You went out of town for over a month, and things were different when you came back. We were fighting every time we talked (which was mostly my fault cause I just couldn’t understand your unhappiness with your life, and I thought it had to do with me). I knew that our complicated
relationship was about to end because things just didn’t feel right and we both weren’t especially happpy, even though I wanted things to work out so badly. Finally one night, I went over to your house to spend the night like I had a hundred times. It was probably the worst feeling ever because things were not the same, and I knew in the back of my mind that they would never be again. A few nights later you told me that you couldn’t do it anymore because you just weren’t happy with your life in general and didn’t know what to do about anything. I understood because I knew if you weren’t happy with yourself, you could never be happy with me, so I agreed. Besides we were on opposite sides of the spectrum with me about to be a mother and you still getting to chase your dreams wherever they led you. We ended with “I’ll see you around.” That hurt me the most because even though we got closure, it hurt to see someone that I cared about and loved so much walk out of my life just like that.
Before we met, my life was a mess, and I was a mess. When we loved each other, you made me want to be a better person. No guy has ever made me want to change myself for the better, and I did. I will forever be thankful to you for that. I learned so many things about love from you, and you probably have no idea. I wish I could say that you will be in my future. You are an amazing guy with a huge heart, and I would have loved to be with you for the rest of my life and followed you wherever your dreams took you so I could be there for you. But I also know that everything happens for a reason whether or not you understand it immediately. You will make some girl very very happy in your future someday, and I know I will make some guy a very happy man in my future. And I will never forget how when we laid in bed together our bodies fit perfectly, and everything felt so right and perfect. When we cuddled and fell asleep, I would always lay with my back to you and feel you kiss my neck and
hug me tighter throughout the night, and it made me feel so safe. You were the first guy I ever truly loved, and would have done absolutely anything for. I hope the best in life comes for you, and you will always have a special place in my heart and memories.



3 Responses to “Dear First Love”

  1. Marissa July 21, 2009 at 2:02 am #

    That’s so beautiful.

  2. afatilookonlife July 21, 2009 at 5:23 am #

    Ahh.. Beautiful.
    Very sad.
    Very very sad. But nonetheless, beautiful.

  3. Janelle July 23, 2009 at 5:05 am #

    This really touched me.
    Like others said, it was sad but beautiful.

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