Dear Sexuality

30 Aug

Dear Sexuality,

I don’t get it. Why are you such an issue for me and all the people around me right now? Two gay guys have told me in the past few days “No really, I’m in love with you. Is that weird for you? Cuz it is for me.” Is that some kind of funny joke? Are you toying with my emotions? Am I really that interesting to gay guys? Funny, the straight ones don’t ever take a liking to me like that.

I know that I’m completely heterosexual. I’ve questioned it, and the answer was totally clear to me: I’m a female, and I like males. I’m perfectly okay with and secure in my own sexuality. But I’ve dated two guys who ended up being gay. I’ve had crushes on probably ten more. Do you get your kicks by getting my hopes up about someone, just to smack me in the face with “it’ll-never-be”? Why can I not sense these things? Why does it always take me by surprise when people close to me come out?

The only person in my short life who I could have seen myself ending up with -for real- just came out to me. We had everything going. Everything except sex, I guess… but with all the emotional, intellectual, spiritual aspects of a relationship, we were dead on. We had it all. We’re both sad it can’t ever work out; that’s a weird feeling. Why did you have to come in and make yourself an issue, Sexuality?

Why are you so controversial? Why do you tease gay people into defining themselves by you? Why do you spare straight people that burden? Is that really fair? You play with people. You confuse them, make them feel like outcasts, or maybe help them discover who they really are. But could you please lay off me for a while? I mean really—even every movie star I have a crush on is gay. Almost every potential guy at school. All the people who give the best hugs, who inspire me, who remind me to follow my heart.

You’ve upset and confused me.
I hope you’re happy with yourself.



One Response to “Dear Sexuality”

  1. juliet November 21, 2009 at 9:33 pm #

    I feel you. SOooooo much so that it saddens me. I think there’s something for me where I know I’m attracted to men, and I like men, but I also tend to feel very very unsafe around the straight ones. I think there’s a part of myself that is so relieved to be safe around the gay men, that I just feel free to let out who I am, because I don’t consider that they will want to seduce me and hurt me. My mother’s (somewhat sarcastic) suggestion was that I should start looking at all boys as gay on meeting them, and this has helped with straight men responding to me, but it hasn’t helped my discomfort when they reveal that they are in fact interested. I still panic. I really don’t know what to do beyond this.

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