Dear Child Killer

9 Sep

Dear ‘Mom’,

You seem to think that I have forgotten the last two years of my live; I haven’t. You seem to think that I have forgotten the night you almost pushed me down the stairs; I haven’t. You seem to think that I have forgotten that you slammed my arm in my bedroom door; I haven’t. You joke and seem to think that my running away was funny; it wasn’t. You seem to think that I feel anything other than blind hatred towards you; you are wrong. You also have forgotten that I told you to rot in hell; I smell no sulphur when I look at your bloodshot eyes and stringy blonde hair. I do, however, see the devil in you, it is in your beer soaked liver and the decaying brain cells the pot has destroyed. What horrifies me more than being told that you would gladly take my life, is the fact that I find you mirrored in me. I almost threw myself in front of a school bus because I saw my reflection in a puddle, and in myself I saw you. I cannot live seeing your hideous face meshed into mine so perfectly.
Cutting, however, is useless to me seeing as I would have to cleave the flesh from the bone to remove the pain and guttural hatred you have immersed me in. You have long since taken my sanity, and the lust for life I once had, and left me deviant and destructive. I would gladly take your life, had Dad not told me he would never forgive me if I were to take a life-even one as miserable as yours. You would think that after you eldest daughter ran from you, your mother and family turned against you and your second marriage failed, that you would realize how many lives you had ruined…Sadly, you are obviously not that observant. It is this blindness that is causing your second ex-husband to begin the process of taking your second child from you, a proccess which I am gladly helping him with. However, it is not to spite you (although, admittedly I would like to see the child you actually love taken from you), but it is to save her. There is a fire that burns deep within her soul and I

will not allow your abuse and neglect smother such a bright light, for it would truly dive me mad.

Two years of soul-shattering discord, and a year of silence and hatred and you think you can place boundaries and deadlines upon me? HA. Not only have the drugs made you stupid, they’ve made you delusional too. “Your father and I talk…” What a load. He has no intentions of speaking to you. I told him what you did. I told him you hit me. I told him you FUCKED AROUND DURING YOUR MARRIAGE (yes, I know you did, with your new boyfriend no less. Finding out this has made me hate him even more than I id last year.). I told him that you said you would KILL ME if I ever told a soul of the abuse. He wishes you dead almost as much as I do, the only reason you’re not rotting in a prison cell is because there is no evidence of abuse because you brain washed my sister into deleting the picture I had of the bruises, and burning the entires I had written in my diary detailing the things you had said, when you said them, and where you had said them. He will not talk to you unless he is calling
to blame you for my death.

You ruined my childhood by abandoning me.
You ruined my teenage years by abusing me.
You ruined my self-perception by giving birth to me.
You ruined my life by being a woman who cares more about cigarettes, beer, drugs, her new boyfriend and her friends more than she cares about her own children.
You ruined my life by making me want to end it because it is the only way I can escape the hatred I have for myself.

Why did you destroy me mommy? All I ever did was come back to you, and you destroyed me like I was an abomination. If I wasn’t an abomination before, I am now.

I hope you read this and realize how little you deserve your next breath. You’ve killed your child.

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2 Responses to “Dear Child Killer”

  1. Kate September 9, 2009 at 9:09 pm #

    I have so many words of sympathy and comfort I want to say to you, but it probably wouldn’t do you much help.
    So instead, I’ll just quote the movie Stick It:
    “There are plenty of great people out there who have assholes as parents.”
    Your mother sounds horrible, but don’t let her ruin your life. You’re obviously not going to take her shit, so move on and get other people to help you deal with the painful memories. Live a fulfilling life filled with giving and recieving love, if for no other reason than to spite your mother’s miserable existance.
    There’s nothing that makes me angrier than seeing cases of child abuse at the hands of parents. Particularly mothers. An aunt of mine is one of the sweetest women I’ve ever met in my entire life, but she’s infertile due to cancer that she’s been cured of, thank God. She would make an absolutely wonderful mother, and it breaks my heart that some people who have the privilige of bringing a child into the world fuck up their chances of being a part of their child’s life so royally.
    Best of luck, my friend.

  2. Ashley September 18, 2009 at 4:21 pm #

    I went through almost the exact same thing. I am still here. I am still strong. I am happier than I have ever been. You will make it through, trust me!

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