Dear Depression

12 Sep

Dear Depression,

I hate you. No wait, make that I HATE you.
You’ve ruined me.
I can’t even begin to dream about what my life used to look like.  I was the funny girl. The hyper crazy one who everyone loved to be around.  I wasn’t afraid to do what I wanted and there was nothing to stop me.
Then you came along.
You made me hate everything about myself and the world around me.  You made me cry when I woke up, when I sat in class, when I drove my car, and when I tried to sleep at night.  You made me bicker with people over nothing, push my family away, and ruin friendships.  You made me stop doing everything I love.  You made me try multiple prescriptions and watched me suffer as each one failed.  You made me sweat from stupid side effects of those pills.  Sweat so much that I was uncomfortable doing everything I loved.  I didn’t dance, I didn’t play volleyball and softball, I didn’t go to concerts. why? Because I was afraid of embarrassing myself as people saw my clothes soaked with sweat.  Seems weird for someone with depression to be concerned about such a stupid thing but I think it’s the part I hate the most.  I could stop taking the medication that makes me sweat, but then what?  I suffer more.

Ugh! I’m so sick of you.  I can’t keeping doubting every part of my life.  I feel like I’m always setting myself up for failure.  Why can’t I just go at things full throttle like everyone else who loves life. Ha, “loves life.”  People used to say that to me too.  Before you I would get teased by my friends. “Oh I love life!” well I miss those days.  Now everyone just asks me whats wrong and why am I so crabby.  Well I don’t freakin know why I’m so crabby! ok?!  I just wanna tell them it’s your freakin fault!  But then they’ll just think I’m crazy and I need help.
Well guess what- I’ve tried getting help. It felt better to get my feelings out there.  But that was when I thought I knew what was making me so upset.  Now I don’t know anymore.  So what am I supposed to say?  Hello therapist, I hate my life, fix me. yeah ok….

So why can’t you just go away? why can’t I just beat you.  Instead I let you take over me or at the very least I just ride along beside you.  Not anymore. No. I wanna win.

I’m gonna love life again.  No wait, make that I’m gonna LOVE life.

Sincerely,
Your Worst Enemy

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One Response to “Dear Depression”

  1. Ashley September 18, 2009 at 3:57 pm #

    i have struggled in the same way–and have had the same side-effects. Stay strong, sometimes it takes time to figure out the right prescriptions!

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