Dear G

13 Sep

Dear G,
I’m sorry that I hurt you, more than once. I’m sorry I didn’t give you any explanation after leaving you the first time, and I’m sorry it was when you were having a rough time in other aspects of your life that I decided to leave. I’m sorry I hurt you when I told you I was in love with you but I wanted to be able to have sex with whoever I wanted to, that I wanted the freedom of being single. I should have realized it when your face fell the day we had that talk, but I was too blind and stupid, too busy lustfully flirting with your best friend to see how much I had hurt you. I didn’t realize it till two months after that original conversation, the other day, when we had that phone conversation with the both of us crying. I’m sorry I was bratty and selfish and immature this summer. I’m sorry I got freaked when you would try to be affectionate to me in public. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about my deep depression or self injury, but it was because it’s genuinely really hard to
verbalize thoughts about that, not because I don’t trust you.
I’m so, so, so sorry. For everything. I’m sorry for causing you pain.
You deserve better than me, I know. I’m a promiscuous, immature committment-phobe, and you have so much love and care in your heart, ready to give it to the girl you have feelings for 100%, not that half-assed open-relationship bull that I was trying to push on you. I’m sorry that it had to come to you exploding at me in a drunken rage over the phone for you to be honest with me and for me to realize how horrible I’ve been. I couldn’t say these words out loud, but I’m sorry I took you for granted. I will never forgive myself for it. Now you’re away at school and I’m stuck here at home. And now you don’t even want to be close friends anymore. I never realized how lucky I was to have someone to talk to, someone to comfort me when I was sad, someone who cared about my sadness even when it was for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  Even though I was a total nightmare sometimes, I enjoyed your company so much. I’m going to miss kissing in the backseat of your minivan. I’m going to miss
your freckles, your brown eyes, your strong arms, the way you always smelled good, and how nice it felt when we were your hand was in mine.
Is staying best friends really so much to ask for? I know I hurt you, I apologized countless times. I know you said apologies can’t change anything, but I don’t have a time machine. How could you just stop caring about me, just like that, when our feelings for each other were so strong? I’m just terrified you’re going to forget about me, or not want to hang out with me anymore. You’ve got your pretty city girls who go to your college and the colleges near you and you certainly don’t seem to need me anymore.
I know we’re not a good match right now. I really do know that. We’re so young, and we’re far away from each other. We argue constantly. We have different views about love and sex and relationships. But I think a few years down the line, when we’ve both done some growing up, we should be together again. We had such great chemistry and such strong feelings for each other. You were my best friend and my love. To be honest, I wouldn’t mind marrying you some day. You would make an amazing husband and father. It’s weird to think about now but it’s true. I’m sorry I took for granted what an amazing person I had so close to me, but I promise you, if we were ever together again, I would never, ever make that mistake again. I know what I lost, and I’m not going to forget it anytime soon.
I love you so much, and I will never stop caring about you.
Don’t forget about me baby.


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