Dear P-face

18 Sep

Dear P-face,

  Even though we haven’t talked in months I still think about you often. I think about the way we broke up over a year ago. I think about how you left for the military. I think about when I cheated on you and I think about when you cheated on me. But mostly I think about how you’re back in town from being gone at training and school for the air force. We haven’t seen each other yet.

   Our relationship was tumultuous. It was all consuming. I shredded our relationship to bits. Could I blame you for not wanting to take me back after I hurt you? No. Could I blame you for playing games with my mind, for making me believe that you still loved me? Yes. I learned lesson after lesson and I was ready to be all yours. I was ready to put my heart on the line thinking that you were going to be mine. Finally we were going to be together! But my hopes were shattered that day I found out about your other girlfriend. The one you REALLY loved. The one you thought about when we were together, the one you wanted to be with when you were with me.

    How could I have been so stupid? How did I let my whole world revolve around you to the point that after you left I could barely stand on my own two feet? Even though I was hurting more than I’ve ever hurt in my entire life I still wanted you back. That’s what’s so amazing. You broke my heart in a million pieces. They were so small I’m still trying to get them together. Yet if you would have said, “I made a mistake I really love YOU.” I would have been there in a heartbeat. Right by your side where I thought I belonged.

    The love we had was powerful. But not powerful enough to pull you back to me. Which, after time, made me realize that it wasn’t at all powerful. It was weak. And maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t REALLY love. Maybe it was just two strangers whose hearts happened to beat the same tune for three years until one was bounced off and never found its way back.

    It’s ok. I’m ok. I tell myself this because I know that it has to be true. I know you’re better than ok. You got out of it with barely a scrape while I suffered in critical condition. My body refuses to produce tears for you, my heart refuses to beat madly at the thought of you, and my stomach refuses to get butterflies when I hear your name. I’ve learned to control my emotions, finally.
                                 Best wishes,
                                 E

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One Response to “Dear P-face”

  1. Someone September 20, 2009 at 2:03 am #

    The same thing just happened to me. I’m glad that someone feels the way I do. It hurts to live sometimes, but you have to pick up and keep going.

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