Dear Lost Best friend

21 Sep

Dear lost best friend,
I know you will never read this because you have no idea what this is, but I will write it anyways.
A little over a year ago I met you for the first time. We met through drama where you were placed as my accountability partner. At first you were very stand-offish and different from me, raised in a same but different background. Your parents were a lot less strict on certain things, and you’ve done a lot more stuff than I probably ever will. After that first few days we saw each other and barely talked, I wondered if we would ever be friends, and if you even liked me. As the summer went by we texted a few times but not much contact. Summer ended and September brought school and drama. We still didn’t talk much like we were supposed to, but I had a secret weapon, Mimi. She had already known you and I had already known her. So to get our friendship going we hung out in three. As time went on, we really began to click and the awkwardness went away and Mimi was no longer necessary. Around mid-October, early November, we got very close, and we hung out as much as possible. In early December you met Raina, my older sister. Might I add, this was the first friendship where she wasn’t involved, which was the biggest relief to me, because I always became third wheel/second rate due to her. Earlier on you had invited me to your sweet 16, and then after you met Raina, you invited her too. I got a little nervous about it but it wasn’t a big deal. January came, and that night happened. You introduced Raina to alcohol for the first time. I decided that I never drank, and I wouldn’t start then either. You didn’t either, but Raina, Peggy and Paul did. That was a day I fully regret, and wish would never had happened. As time went on, we got closer and closer, and our friendship meant the world to me. I could tell you anything, we laughed at everything, had a million inside jokes, we hung out literally everyday for about a couple months despite the 30 minute drive. We did whatever we had to in order to just hang out and have fun. April came around, and I think we might have gotten in
one fight, and I don’t remember why. We spent a week together and had a lot of fun. At the time you had been thinking about coming to camp with me. We visited the place where they run camp, and you had decided you wanted to go. At first I wasn’t sure if you were into it, but when we got back you really seemed excited, and so was I. May was about the same as the rest of the months, us hanging out, but Raina was one of us now. She had become part of the clan. But then about a month later, you started to become very attached to her and Peggy. I knew it would happen, it was bound to, and it did. Drama ended, and so did our friendship. I wasn’t sure why at first. I didn’t know what I did, but you didn’t have any time for me anymore. I wondered if I wasn’t enough, if I hurt you. That jealousy came, which always did, that I wasn’t enough, Raina was always the one everyone wanted to be with, well, all the cool kids. Somewhere in between, you started talking to Austin. I never liked him, mainly because you spent most of your time with your eyes glued to your phone which annoyed me. You met Austin for the first time, I was supposed to come with you, but I told you I couldn’t, and you planned for Raina to come. Ended up wherever I was supposed to go didn’t work out, and I sat home while you lied to my parents and yours. You knew he liked you, you said you didn’t like him, but it turned out you ended up liking him. He didn’t really have the same visions as you spiritually but it didn’t really stop you. June went by, and although you didn’t drink anymore, you became a babysitter for Raina’s stupidity of drinking. One day, while I was at our Drama beach trip in June, you left early to celebrate Raina’s birthday/babysit her stupidity. You went through all this craziness for absolutely nothing. You told me the whole story, and I was so angry, frustrated, upset, scared, and unsure of what to do. It overwhelmed me. Over the course of a week or two, I talked to two, what I thought were reasonably chosen people. But apparently you thought otherwise. Your mom found out you lied about where you had been that night, and knowing your past, you got in a lot of trouble. But I KNOW that anybody I told did not know as much as your mom, so there is no way it’s my fault. You were all very angry and didn’t trust me. I was so scared and upset with myself I didn’t know what to do. I think you took pity on me and “forgave” me, which I hope was legitimate and that’s not why we’re no longer close. We hung out a little bit, but not as much as I’d like. I would leave for camp July 16th, and you met me there the 18th. For about a month before camp, we didn’t hang out at all. You hung out with Peggy, Raina, Austin and his friends. Although we had so much time together at camp, we didn’t hang out much, and you missed Peggy and Raina a lot. You kind of hated Austin for his stupidity for smoking and who knows what else and that was one thing we both seemed to agree with for a short period of time. Although we were only supposed to be gone two weeks, it ended up being almost a month. When we got back, I didn’t see you at all. You left for the short with Raina and Peggy and of course, nobody invited me. Every time I’m with the three of you it’s so awkward. You do that to just about everyone when your around them. You have all these inside jokes that I can’t laugh about, all these stories that I don’t know, I feel like you want me around. I thought maybe the fact that Peggy can drive had to do with why they were hanging out, because the convenience, and you got very offended. I apologized and told her I know its my fault too and said it’s okay, and that we should just chill and not stress about our friendship, but that’s easier when you have someone else to take up all that time. So now when I see you, there’s a new, but familiar awkwardness between each other and I’m not quite sure what to do with it. Now I know that you’re a lot more chill in the way you think, but to me, this really hurts. I feel like our friendship was all about the convenience and access, and I don’t understand it. And when I told you that I get jealous, you didn’t really understand because you’ve never had to compete for your friends. To me this really brings me down, I spent all my time with you and now I have nothing to do. I just want you to know that you meant a lot to me and this has kind of broken my heart. I hope you realize this one day and that nobody else has to go through this because some days, I’m not sure why I’m here. I try not to care but I know I do, I try not to think about it but its inevitable, I’m thankful for all the fun we’ve had but why did it have to go like this? I hope this isn’t the end, but only a speed bump.
Sincerely, the broken best friend association.

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