Dear Engagement

28 Sep

Dear Engagement,


Look, I know you mean well, but I have a strong suspicion that if I looked up the definition of “wolf in sheep’s clothing,” I’d see a picture of you. See, I’ve figured you out now. Because when a couple is seriously in love, everyone knows that your arrival is possible…but, given our current circumstances, unlikely. Especially right now, while we’re all in college.

Anyway, I guess you’re pretty proud of yourself for your latest catch – I mean, they barely knew each other for 5 months before you visited! But you caught them, and trapped them pretty hardcore. And they are so, so excited about your arrival – man, their joy is probably enough to feed you for months.

I have to admit, you did a good job with the whole proposal moment, too. You really played to both of their strengths. It was, in a word, perfect.

So why am I filing this official complaint?

BECAUSE YOU TRICKED ME. Actually, scratch that, you tricked all of us. You even exploited some of us to help you in your sneaky ways! Especially me, and I resent you quite a bit. Wait – what’s that? You’re going to give me a guilt trip for resenting you? Hey, that’s not nice. This is hard enough without you making me feel guilty for wishing you had never happened to all of us.

See, you looked so wonderful at first. When you first showed up, when you first gave him the idea to accept you into our lives, it seemed grand. You were going to be unobtrusive, silent, a background player. You were going to enhance the greater picture but not change the status quo. Engagement, we had a deal about that. You were NOT GOING TO CHANGE ANYTHING.

And then you went and lied. The instant you got your way, the instant the proposal was accepted, you broke all your promises. Suddenly, you were too proud of your couple to let everything stay the same. You were too jealous. You wanted them all to yourself. And they got pulled in. And we got left with nothing.

Engagement, you took away our friends! They only care about you now. And only you – it’s like, all the love they had for their friends and their community before, is now dedicated to only you. You know the worst part? I helped you happen! With my own love and energy I helped pave the way! WITH GOLDEN COBBLESTONES.

And this is how you repay me? By leaving me friendless?

Well, thanks a lot, Engagement. I’m pretty disappointed in you. In fact, I despise you a little bit. And yeah, I know the fine print of the agreement we all made was that I had to be quietly happy about your arrival, no matter what. So fine – fine, I won’t shout this out to the other parties involved, even though I KNOW there are several others out there who feel the exact same way as I do. You betrayed us, Engagement, so I’m breaking my promise too. I’m not going to be happy about this -sure, I’ll pretend happiness, but between you and me? GO AWAY. You’ve made everything complicated and weird, and your continual presence is really annoying. If you HAVE to stay, can we at least negotiate some peace treaties, like where I get 1-2 hours a week with my best friends? Oh…you don’t want to? Fantastic.


P.S. Can you PLEASE ask your friend Wedding to be more decent about the state of affairs when he shows up? Awesome, thanks.
P.P.S. Um, I get that you’re going to be sending another few guilt trips about writing this letter (in fact I feel one right now – good job!) but can you go easy for a bit? Think about it from my perspective? No? I could introduce you to my friend Platonic Heartbreak if you need insight. He and I have been in touch lately. I have all his contact information. Just a suggestion!


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