Dear Mom

29 Sep


I saw your car out in our driveway. The 4-year-old in me wanted to run down the stairs yelling mommy mommy and get caught up in your arms, laughing as you tickled me. I smiled and sat down at my computer instead. So many times I remember running down those stairs to great you and receiving that tired voice. I know your voices you can’t hide from me. The smallest cough or garbled word and I know exactly how you’re feeling. I’m sorry mama but I’ve spent my life studying you. Trying to know when you’d be happy, when you laugh with me. So many times I’ve spent a day staring at your face waiting for you to have that smile in your eyes. To get rid of the dark stormy clouds that I see there more and more often. I spent hours begging God to let you be happy. I used to wait outside the house and stand on our wall. If I tried hard enough I could see the main street that would give you away. You would turn left and I’d sit and wait patiently. I always wanted to be the first one to see you. The first one to know if you were happy or sad. If this was going to be a good day. Usually you didn’t see me sitting there. I watched you break down and cry in your car countless time. Do you know how helpless I felt as a child to watch my own mother break down and sob like a child and know there is nothing you could do? That was before I honed my craft of humor. You’re the reason I created it. I’ve only wanted to make you happy. So many times I’ve seen you struggle to put a smile in your eyes, but slowly accept defeat. I’ve seen weeks  pass without a real smile from you. So I sit up here in my room watching out the window, looking at your car. I hope that when I go downstairs I see the mother I’ve always loved. The mother so happy and full of laughter that NOTHING could bring her down. But if the broken woman I sometimes see in your eyes is down there I will just sit with her and try my hardest to make her laugh because I love you more than life.

Your little girl.


One Response to “Dear Mom”

  1. shelby October 8, 2009 at 2:43 am #

    You are a beautiful person, and I know your mom appreciates you in her life.

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