Dear God

1 Oct

Do you remember that day in the Basillica in Montreal when I begged you-with tears in my eyes, to send me a sign? I do, even if you don’t. I wanted more than anything to believe that you were there-that I wasn’t alone in this world. I was tormented by the atheism I’ve held onto for so long, but I have been tricked and lied to far too many times to have blind faith. I needed you God, I was alone and scared and I called out to you, but you were silent. You were silent as you always have been and I struggled not to cry beneath the vaulting ceilings and glittering stained glass. I wanted so much, to know that you heard my prayers, I wanted so much for you affirm the shadowy beliefs I had in you but you gave me no sign. You gave me nothing when I was prepared to give you everything God…Maybe that was your sign, maybe that was a way of telling me that you are not something to believe in anymore, that times have changed to much and I have become someone so unredeemable in your eyes that
I should not believe in you-but simply believe in myself and the things I can do here on earth, without your divine wisdom. That silence gave me the strength to rise above all the people drowning me out, and scream at the top of my lungs and refuse to kept silenced anymore-I wanted to be heard dammit, and if you weren’t going to listen to me, somebody else would have to.

In your silence you helped me believe-for the first time in my life-that I don’t need anyone to hold me up, that I don’t a God to save my soul and help me accomplish my dreams. I could save my own soul and accomplish my dreams alone. I am alone God-and saying that makes me feel so much stronger, because I’m not afraid to be alone. I would rather die alone, knowing that I conquered life with my own strength than to rule the world using you as a crutch. You not giving me a sign helped me do greater things and aspire to move bigger mountains. In your silence you helped me let go of you, and find myself.

Thanks big guy.
(If you happen to be up there somewhere and were just too lazy to send me a facebook friend request or tweet me.)

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4 Responses to “Dear God”

  1. Polka October 2, 2009 at 2:52 am #

    Wow. What a sad, sad letter. It makes my heart hurt.

  2. Ashley October 2, 2009 at 2:35 pm #

    Very inspiring. I believe in your strength and feel the same way!

  3. Annie October 3, 2009 at 5:41 am #

    This letter really hurts me and I wish that you wouldn’t give up on God. No, He’s not always clear and you won’t always know exactly what He’s doing for you, but He’s there. He’s always there. We need Him in our lives or else its just impossible. Happiness is impossible without Him. Have faith, and know that He is God. He loves you so entirely much. Please talk to me if you have any questions. Hope to see you in heaven some day

    • Bryce Timmerman October 5, 2009 at 1:32 pm #

      Have you ever thought that maybe God realizes he has to back off, in order for you to grow in the ways you need to? Ever thought that maybe it’s his plan to let you find yourself on your own, to let you prove to yourself that you CAN accomplish what you want?
      Just a thought.

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