Dear You

5 Oct

Dear you,

I hope that in a few days you decide that you want to go out with me again.  And we can.  I’ll forget this ever happened. I still love you, more than I thought possible.  It physically hurts me that we’re not together.  I just want to cry and cry and cry.  And I do.  My eyelids hurt and my limbs feel as though they’re filled with sand, heavy and hard to move.  I feel faint and dizzy and my stomach is nauseous.  My chest hurts where my heart is.

I don’t want you to be hurt, or be upset.  But I’m afraid that you’re not, that you’re glad you’ve gotten rid of me.  It hurts to think of you smiling or laughing, because I want to be with you, I want to be there when you’re smiling.  I want you to be smiling because you love me.

I want to know what I did.  I want to know what I can do for you to want to be with me.  I have dreams that you’ve found someone else and you’re happier with her, I have dreams that I’m not pretty enough.

I feel stupid for cutting myself and I’m mad at you for hurting me when I was down.  I’m mad at you for not telling me when I asked you if something was wrong, if we were ok.  I wonder when you were going to tell me.

I know you didn’t hurt me on purpose.  But I keep thinking of that night, months ago, I had told you that we couldn’t date anymore, that I would get too dependent on you and that I wanted to be emotionally dependent.  And you told me that I needed to be able to depend on you, that you wouldn’t hurt me.  I remember you texting me that night, saying you just wanted to be with me, and I changed my mind.  And five months later, right now, I just want to be with you, and I hope you change your mind.

I really just want to lay with you and pretend like this never happened.  I hate that I’m not allowed to hang out with you and talk to you.  I want to go on a walk with you and hold your hand.  I won’t be as clingy, I won’t be as pushy, I understand now, you need your space.

I feel like I’m a beggar, begging you to forgive me for something I don’t know I did.  I just want this to be a big mistake, I want it to be you having a mix-up.

I’m afraid that you’re not going to want to be close anymore.  You are my best friend and I’m terrified that you’re ready to go back to before we went out when you always said you didn’t have a best friend.

How did this happen?  What happened?  We were so happy I thought.  You didn’t tell me you weren’t happy I guess.

Why didn’t you tell me?  Why did you give me the impression that everything was fine?  You didn’t want to hurt me.  Why didn’t you tell me so we could work it out?

I think what I’m afraid of most is you deciding that this is final.  That you in fact don’t need me.  How can you not need me when I need you so bad? I need you so bad.  I need you so bad

Right now I wish I could just bury myself on your chest, dry my tears on your shirt, your arms wrapped around me and consoling me.

love,
me

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