Dear Daddy

9 Oct

(Dear Readers: I know this is a long one, but it’s full of wonderful emotion & worth your read. ~Editor)

Dear Daddy,

I came across this old letter to you that I wrote on the worst birthday of my adult life. I thought I was over your suicide. I thought that once I decided to stop trying to end my own that things would somehow, magically, correct themselves and the sun would shine through the clouds. Angels would sing and there would be peace everlasting.

Ha! Were it that easy. You seem to have poisoned the very core of my being with your actions. The following has defined every waking moment:

Daddy~ I used to believe, as a little girl, that I was left behind….. that it was my fault and that you had somehow forgotten me. After all, I was there….. right on your lap. I could have done something. I should have said the right words that would have taken your finger off that trigger. Then I knew that the numbers would add up right, and it would be my turn to take ‘The Step’.

I was 5 years old. That was 25 years ago. My time for ‘The Step’ would be this year. You were a mere 30 when you ended your life. You would have been 55 this year. That is the number of my age and the number of years passed added together.

This year is the hardest fucking year I will ever live! Next year I will have lived longer than you, Daddy. I will be the one that survived that day. Even after all my own attempts, I live. The guilt.

What is the saying about guilt? Who cares, all I know is that it is mine to bear in this lifetime. Did I sin so greatly in a former life? Maybe. Perhaps it was simply this life.

Was I so horrible? So naughty? So ugly? So doomed? My Daddy, my Daddy…… don’t you love me?

You took my life when you took the gun
Left me no choice but to turn and run
Now I’m growing old and time has slipped away
Visions of the past haunting me today

Now you’ve gone away
Because you couldn’t stay
You never needed me
It’s just how it had to be
Always misconceiving
Never once believing
Now it’s time to go
‘Cause you didn’t know
That love could find a way

I wrote that for you when I was 14. Can’t remember the rest of it, but the melody is in my head, and it plays nearly daily now. That and the one for the 2 songs I wrote about what Mom’s half brother did. You know, if you had lived I think that would never have happened!

YOU KILLED MY MOTHER, ME AND MY BROTHER AND SISTERS!!!!!!!! How could you have been so very selfish? I could have been someone so very different from the person that I am today. The hell that I endured for so many years. Partly self-induced, mostly from not caring. YOU ROBBED ME OF MY YOUTH! I hate you as much as I love you, and I die a thousand deaths every day for that anger.

It is my birthday today daddy. My sons are 8 and 4. My husband is a wonderful man who I don’t deserve and my mother is a mess. So am I in so many ways. Was it worth it? Missing all that you have missed? Did it solve the problems that you hoped that it would? The therapists tell me that you had me there so you could live your last moments with the person that you loved most in this world. I have a son that will be 5 this year daddy. Us all over again. Do you know what I think? I think you’re a miserable shit! I would never do to my child what you did to me. Kill myself? Maybe. In front of my kid? Never in a million years. You raped me more thoroughly than my own dear uncle. Stripped me down to the core of who and what I am and left me to rot in the putridness of your sin.

Every day I tell myself that it is not a good day to die. EVERY FUCKING DAY DADDY I MUST FIND A REASON TO LIVE!!!! The good news is that, unlike you, I believe that my spouse and children make pretty good reasons and that there is no problem out there that doesn’t have another solution….. another, better, answer.

I loved you, yes, I still do. I love you. I miss you. I WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU! I mourn you. I hate you. I WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU!

I am a wonderful, beautiful, strong, talented, intelligent, creative human being. I am your daughter. I am alive. I DESERVE TO LIVE! So did you, papa, so did you. ~R

So that should have been the end. That should have healed me enough that I could find meaning in my life and function as a normal human being. That was the logical conclusion to be drawn, wasn’t it?

I can’t do it, Daddy. I can’t die and yet I can’t live. I am trapped forever in this middle space that I can’t define and cannot escape. It’s oddly cold and lonely here, even though I know there are people that love me very much.

I wish that I had been strong enough to end it when I had the chance, back before I had a vested interest in this life. I wish I had plunged into death before I came to know the fear of the unknown and being able to know what I would be missing when I am gone.

It’s not that I hate you. I think it is more that I resent you. I resent what you left me with – this hellish purgatory that I must endure until I am finally sentenced to whatever is after this existence, if anything.

I just wanted to tell you that. I wanted to release you somehow because my life is not big enough for the both if us and you already butchered your own. I am staking my claim on this, my life. Goodbye, Daddy.

Love always,
Your daughter-RLH

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2 Responses to “Dear Daddy”

  1. L October 28, 2009 at 10:48 pm #

    This letter… This letter is so much like my letters to my brother… The amount of times I have written to him since he commited suicide and let me find him…. I know the emotion… I know the feeling of hating someone so much yet at the same time loving them with all your heart. I know how difficult it is. And always will be for that matter. Jeez it’s so hard because it is one thing you can never get over and can never get answers for… This letter has just touched me and made me realise I’m not alone in feeling what I do. It’s only been 4 and a half years, but I’ve been so confused over my feelings, so angry, so tired, so sad. Finally I have read this and realised it’s not wrong to feel like this… Thank you for sharing it.

  2. William Witt Jennings November 9, 2009 at 4:23 pm #

    I am so touched by your words. Did that trully happen?
    Mine left when I was 18. I will not get over that either.
    Please consider yourself strong and a mother. The world is here for us to live and take in each breath forward.

    Witt

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