Dear Cigarettes

24 Nov

Dear Cigarettes,

I hate you. I love you. I need you. You’re killing me.

I traded over-eating for smoking about 2 years ago. I was addicted almost immediately. What’s not to love? Suddenly I was shedding pounds like a shitzu sheds fur. Every time I walked away from the vending machine, you were there. I would press you to lips, and the anxiety was gone. I didn’t NEED food, I was more than satisfied with you.
You traitor.

What have you truly done for me?

I’ve spent thousands of dollars on you.
I ignored the warnings…
emphysema, yellowing teeth, wrinkles, shortened life span, my breath smells, my clothes smell, my car even.
You’ve come between me and my family. I can’t keep justifying to them WHY I NEED YOU.
They believe I can leave you.

But they never tried to turn their back on a friend. And without a doubt you are my best friend and worst enemy all at once.

I can’t escape you. You know I’ve tried.
Your everywhere, you stalk me on the sidewalk.
I smell you all around me.
Even after throwing out all the ashtrays and hiding all the lighters, your ashes remained.
I feared walking into a store because I knew you’d be there, calling to me from behind the counter like a long-lost friend.
I gave in. I always do.

As much as I hate you, I need you.
I have tried, and much to my disappointment I cannot feel NORMAL without you. I can’t *feel much at all without you. I celebrate with you, I cry with you, I walk with you, talk with you, drive with you, you’re my outlet for every kind of emotion. When I’m bored, your always there. When I can’t sleep, you are within arms reach. You suppress my hunger, relieve my anxiety, promote conversations with strangers.

Without you I’m barely me. It scares me how quickly you’ve taken over. I despise you for that.
For inching your way into every thing I am and feel,
for making it so impossible to be me…without you.

For now, I’ll submit to this addiction.
Be warned Cigarettes, when I’m ready…
I will succeed in destroying you.
Chantix helped me once, and if it wasn’t for my irrational mood swings~it would’ve worked forever.
The next round, I win. Whatever it takes.

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2 Responses to “Dear Cigarettes”

  1. Melacynthe November 25, 2009 at 12:16 am #

    Odd, it doesn’t show my comment posted…

    basically, you could try the electronic cigarette (wiki it, there’s plenty of info available). No second hand smoke, no cigarette smell, still get the nicotine, can use it anywhere (a lot of my friends in vegas and cali use ’em cause there’s almost nowhere you can legally smoke in public these days), and the cartridges are refillable so theoretically its cheaper in the long run.

    It might be a option for compromise until you are ready to give it up entirely, and this way your friends/family don’t have to suffer the second hand/smell issues…

  2. Als November 28, 2009 at 6:52 am #

    You will win. You should win. I pray that you win.

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