Dear Dexter

6 Dec

Dear Dexter,

I don’t know if it’s acceptable to write a letter to someone who’s passed on but here it goes:

I know I promised I’d visit your grave every year on the anniversary of your death and I’m so sorry I was a few days late this year. It just happened to fall on a weekday and I couldn’t get there with school and whatnot. I was pleased to see someone left flowers on your grave… nice to know I’m not the only one out there who is still holding on after four years. I often wonder who left the white carnations on your grave: The other woman? Another one of your students?

I think I feel so guilty about still holding on to you because we’re not even related. I cried harder at your funeral than I did at my own grandfather’s. Why is that? Is it because my grandfather was old and death was expected, and you were young and suicide is more… [There’s no word for it]? I wonder if I even have the right to grieve over you; after all, you meant more to me than I ever did to you. And I’m positive that in your last moments of life, you weren’t thinking of me.

Also, it’s probably really unhealthy to visit someone’s grave with such frequency as I do with you. It’s just that for eight years, your place was my safe haven. And now I don’t have one. Your grave has become the place I run to; to cry, to vent, to be alone. I wonder what people would think if they knew I laid next to your grave in the grass and talked to you for hours? My parents always worry when I tell them I’m going to visit you; I always come home crying.

But how do I let you go? I don’t even want to let you go; it’s just something you’re supposed to do. Because if I don’t let you go, I’ll be considered weak, irrational, and pathetic. So that’s why I typically keep my grieving for you a secret. I miss you. I miss you all the time.

Finally, I know I tell you all the time, but thank you for bringing me and T together. We were always friends and then your death gave our relationship birth. And even though we’re not together anymore, I know you brought us together and I thank you for that. Sometimes I feel like I failed you because our relationship failed. I know it’s completely irrational but the whole time I was with T I felt like I was fulfilling some kind of pre-determined fate and when our love turned into something that wasn’t love at all, I felt like I let you down. I think that’s why I held on to T for so long, I didn’t want to admit that we weren’t meant to be together.
When it comes to you, I really wish I believed in God, and heaven, and the whole bit. I wish I could picture you in the clouds, watching me from above. But wherever you are, however the world works, I hope you are finally, and everlastingly, in peace. Fare thee well my friend.

All My Love,

J.G.

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2 Responses to “Dear Dexter”

  1. Regretful December 6, 2009 at 5:59 pm #

    This letter hits home. 😦 There is a grave I should be visiting, but can’t gather the emotional strength to just do it. I feel like it would be admitting weakness. I salute you for your courage and hope that you find peace as well. And yes, he is resting in a better place. Even if you don’t believe. I will believe for you.

    • Nats August 31, 2010 at 10:05 pm #

      you are an amazing person, i hope you know that.
      to have the courage to visit a grave is good, but to admit that you cryed harder at dexters funeral than you did at you grandfathers well thats just phenomenal, to be honest. its lovley how you layed and talked to him for hours, there not many people who would have the strength and/or courage to even do that. im sure you mean more to him now than you ever did before, seen as you spend more time than anyone else at his grave, im sure he realises now darling, your magnificent. i bet he feels guilty for not feeling for you before, like he does now. i bet he finally realised how you felt, and i bet hes turning in his grave at the thought of his selfishness. youre an amazing person, smile cos’ lifes to short to be worried about if things are acceptable or normal or not, just go for it! follow your heart, forever.

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