Dear World

28 Jun

Dear World,
I’m sorry I make you uncomfortable, but I can’t keep it inside me any longer. My whole life the abuse was hush hush. It was kept behind locked doors and only came out when my sister would have a tantrum, or my dad would leave us somewhere. No one knew what I was going through. I would like to think some of the people who left me stranded in high school would’ve stayed by my side if I had the courage to say what was going on. If I had the strength, but I didn’t. I was scared. I honestly had no idea how to deal with any of the things that were ruining the best years of my life. Peope wondered why I stayed home every night. They wondered why they could never come over. It wasn’t that I didn’t like them. It was that I couldn’t say the things that were happening behind those doors. I couldn’t even be honest with myself. I told myself everything would fade away eventually. That the breaking dishes would cease. That the screaming would cease. That the put downs the crying myself to sleep.
I convinced myself that everything would go away eventually. So I’m sorry world if I make you feel uncomforatble saying things like “I wouldn’t change what happened because it made me stronger” or “My father was bipolar, and he never loved me. That’s why I hate father’s day.” I’m so sorry. But I’m finally comfortable in my own skin. I’ve finally escaped that life style, and so please don’t judge me. I am crying right now thinking about that christmas when I was 8 or 9, and I spent the whole day crying in my room. I wasn’t crying because I didn’t get a toy I wanted but because my father had told me I didn’t deserve anything, that my whole family was worthless and that he never really loved us. I am still healing that wound, and I am not going to hide it anymore. I am proud of who I have become. I now have the courage to be the real me and know that I am worth something.
Sorry,
Dinosaur Girl.

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2 Responses to “Dear World”

  1. Same boat June 28, 2010 at 2:46 pm #

    You don’t need to be sorry for anything. A very similar situation affected my family. Embrace your strength.

  2. Keep on being yourself June 28, 2010 at 3:10 pm #

    I went through a similar experience with my father and to this day (I’m 26)I say very similar things as you, and think about the abuse often. It continues to effect many things I do, but I don’t regret it either..it has made me in to who I am, and I LOVE ME! Good luck in the future,
    E

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