Dear Son

18 Sep

My dearest son,

I sit here typing and deleting, typing and deleting, trying to find the right words. The right words to tell you how very much I love you. The right words to describe the joy you bring to our lives. The right words to convey the depth of my anguish. You came from so much indifference and we were supposed to love and protect you. Instead you were the victim of my horrific physical and emotional abuse. I betrayed your innocence and trust.

I will not make excuses. There are none for what I have put you through. If there is a Heaven and Hell, I know that I will spend eternity in the latter for my transgressions. The fault lies with me alone. That is why you can’t be at home right now. I have to keep you safe. I have to get myself together to learn how to be gentle, loving and supportive. I won’t continue the cycle of our family.

I need you to know how deeply I love you and want to do right by you. That you are the reason I am in therapy 3 times a week. You are the motivation and inspiration behind my desire to change, to be better. Because of you, I can hold my head up and face my demons. Because of you, I don’t have to use violence to communicate. Through you, my beautiful son, I am experiencing unconditional love and connection. No strings, catches or treachery. And for that I thank you.

I will love you forever,



2 Responses to “Dear Son”

  1. jared September 20, 2010 at 5:07 pm #

    Your son will forgive and so will God. I’ll be praying for you and a speedy and healty recovery. Remember that you’re loved.

  2. LM September 21, 2010 at 11:45 pm #

    I applaud you for owning your past behaviors and putting forth the effort to make changes. That is the greatest gift you can give your child, as well as his future children. You CAN break the cycle! Good luck, and don’t give up!

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