Dear N

6 Apr

Dear N

We don’t talk anymore, and that’s fine. I’m totally ok with that. What I’m not ok with, is the way you made me feel.

You made me feel loved and whole and perfect. You cured my bipolar disorder, you saved my life. Whenever we touched, I felt like I was flying. When you looked at me, you saw me. And I knew – I KNOW – that you loved me. You never said it, but you showed it, and that’s all I needed to make myself alright again. When you were around, I was more than alright. I was better, I was better than myself, I was beautiful and free, and I didn’t need those pills or the blades. The panic attacks stopped, and I got fit and turned my life around.

And that’s what’s not ok, because now that I don’t have you around to make me feel like that anymore, I’m just alright again. I’m not bad, but I’m not good. Not like I was. I’d go back in time and undo it all if I could.

And most of all, now I know how all that feels, I’m terrified I’ll never feel it again.

Always, faithfully, undeniably yours,

The girl you used to love

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