Dear Baby

20 May

Dear Baby

I am sorry for not keeping you. I am sorry that I let the worries of the world and how I would raise you alone, or even with your father keep me away from carrying you in my womb and letting you go. I wish there were things I could tell you knowing you would hear me, but that is just my wishful thinking. I love you to the depths of the good mother I could never be. I have your sonogram, you tiny four week baby. You are still the most beautiful picture I have ever laid my eyes on. I am happy I asked for a copy of the sonogram before the painful procedure. I am sorry I had to take a shower in the communal bathroom and then watch all the blood drain my body and flush you out with the running water above me. I don’t know how painful the blood passing my body was, but I remember only the pain of knowing what I had done. From that day I have been careful to never make this happen again, and I have been successful. I don’t know if I can ever take back the pain I have given myself nor do I think I could ever forgive myself for the sin I have committed. I don’t know what life I could have given you if you had so many family members hate your existence. The world is a cruel place and knowing all the other things you would have to face I didn’t want you to be a part of that life. You will always be my first, any other baby after you in the future will always be an image of what I never got with you. Forgive me and know dad and I will always love you and never forget you, ever.

Sincerely,
your selfish but always devoted to you Momma ❤

Love you

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