Dear B

29 Jun

B,

I love you. I really do. But sometimes, I really, really hate you.

I hate you for being so beautiful. I hate you for seducing me. I hate you for making me want you. I hate you for holding my hand in bed. I hate you for getting my hopes up. I hate you for being so good in bed. I hate you for being so charming. I hate you for making me laugh. I hate you for making me want to please you so badly. I hate you for all the cigarettes you bum from me. I hate you for knowing I can’t say no to you. I hate you for all the times you didn’t say thank you when I went out of my way to do something nice for you. I hate you for ignoring me so often. I hate you for complimenting me. I hate you for your blatant lack of regard for anyone but yourself. I hate you for wanting my best friend. I hate you for giving her your all your attention when it’s just the three of us hanging out. I hate you for hooking up with her without giving me a second thought. I hate you for making her fall for you too. I hate you for touching her and flirting with her in front of me. I hate
you for telling our friends you got with her while I had to be kept a secret. I hate you for not wanting me anymore. I hate you for making me hate myself. I hate you for making me feel like I’m not good enough. I hate you because I care about you more than you could ever know and you don’t care about anyone but yourself.

But mostly, I hate you because deep down, no matter how much resentment I have for you, I know that I could never, ever hate you.

I hate you sometimes, but not as much as I love you. In a few months, I’ll go away to school and you’ll go to basic training, and we won’t see each other every single day like we do now. That’s probably exactly what I need. But even so, I’m going to miss you more than you’ll ever know. And I’ll be thinking of you every day. Even if you aren’t thinking of me.

xoxox

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