Dear Shoulder

11 Jul

Dear Shoulder,

I’m sorry that I push you away and then once in awhile breakdown and need you terribly. I’m sorry that for all of my lack of emotion, when those times come, I’m a mess that can’t be under control. I’m sorry that I feel embarrassed every time I try to tell you how much I love you because I can’t help but to feel that talking about my feelings is ridiculous and childlike. I’m sorry I can’t just be a normal girl and fawn over you instead of needing to assert my independence. I’m sorry that I can’t give you the confirmation you need. I’m sorry that you have to be the one to help me sort out my childhood. I’m sorry that you need as much help as me but I’m not emotionally capable enough to give that help to you. I’m sorry I don’t know how to be a real friend to you, because you’re the first real friend I’ve ever had. I’m sorry I’m going to make a terrible wife. But mostly, I’m sorry for how thankful I am for you. That I can be that selfish to thank God for you to help me through this time, even though I do all this to you. I’m sorry that I can’t stop feeling like I do. And I’m sorry that I kind of enjoy those times when I lose it, when I can’t stop crying and feeling sorry for myself, when my world is falling apart and you’re the only thing keeping me up. I’m sorry that that’s the only time I’m truly vulnerable and open, even to you. And I’m sorry that even though I’m determined to go to depression therapy, I’m terrified I’ll become a robot and never feel close to you again.
I’m sorry I can’t just be happy and normal.

Your Inconsistent Lover.


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