Dear classmates, teachers, strangers, and anyone else

16 Oct

Dear classmates, teachers, strangers, and anyone else,

I have been keeping so many thoughts and secrets bottled up in me thinking that they were good things. But every once in a while I just want to tell the truth about everything with no reservations. So if you’d be so kind as to let me explain it all, maybe for a moment you’d understand:

Since July I’ve been hurting myself.
I haven’t told anyone that, ever, never typed it, said it, hinted it to anyone. And no one in the last few months for a moment has noticed.

I know it’s crazy, but I feel like what’s around me is crazy too. Little, silly things started piling up, and lead to this huge shitstorm that sort of took over a few weeks ago.

The little things were ridiculous, homework, teachers, spending all my time alone, realizing my friends didn’t care enough to try and keep our friendships intact.

Ridiculous.

Then bigger things came along, parents always screaming about everything under the sun, never being able to sleep, my only true friend going though his own painful journey and knowing I was the one he had trusted, and that I couldn’t tell a soul, even when he started threatening his own life.

So when his sister found him passed out in the bathroom after he took an entire bottle of painkillers, it was extremly easy to blame myself for not doing the right thing, even though I knew there was nothing more I could have done.

I was stuck. And full of guilt.

For some reason I seem to be struck down with all of these issues that no one else my age seems to be plagued by, and yet here I am, sitting in the closet with a razor, crying because I can’t do simple tasks that everyone else has mastered, shaking in a hospital waiting room wondering if my best friend blames me, and knowing from now on I’m going to have to tiptoe around so many conversations with him.

The last person I had to rely on snapped under pressure and I feel like I’m next.
With no one to lean on what am I supposed to even do?

I continue feeling lonely, more so than ever before. I just wanted to rewind and go back to when everything was still okay, when nothing had been crushed yet. I know I can’t.

I know all I can do is sit here, and listen to what my friend says, and sit here and feel like I’m losing ground in school, and sleep away days while others live their lives.

~Not getting any better

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