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To the one that I hurt

24 Apr

I’m sorry I hurt you. After I did what I did, I stood at the top of my 60-story hotel building and just looked over the side. I kept hoping that, by some miracle,  a gust of wind would take me over the edge and onto the pavement where both of our hurts would end right then and there in the middle of the New York streets. I wish so badly that I could take my mistake back and that we could be like we were. I hate myself more and more every minute now. My tears haven’t stopped falling, and your knuckles keep bleeding. What do you want me to do?! All that I’m good for is hurting the ones thatIi love the most; you. I just want you to be happy…

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Dear Justin

23 Aug

Justin, my dear,

In one week and one day you will leave our beloved Kentucky town to move 3,000 miles away out to sunny California. Getting close to you has been one of the most treasured times of my short life. I’m sorry we didn’t have more time together but I know you’ll do great things out in Cali and I know this isn’t goodbye.
Still, when you’re gone I’ll miss your radio show and I’ll miss you taking unflattering photos of me eating. I’ll miss drinking beer and watching Breaking Bad with you and I’ll miss your wisecracks. I’ll miss every little thing about you. I’ll miss the way you grab my hand when we part ways and the way you stroke my hair. I’ll miss your suspenders and your doofy sneakers and the way you remind me of my dad.
I’ll miss you so much, Justin. But I wish you the best of luck in all your endeavors.

You’re the best radio photographer I know.

Love,
Rachel

Dear Friends

11 Jun

Dear friends,
I just want you to know that if i didnt have you i dont know what i would do . There are some of you that i dont call my true friends. If you were my friends you wouldnt pick on me every single day of my life. You tell me we’re bestfriends and that you’re just joking around but at the end of the day the jokes arent as funny anymore. You need to think about what you are saying because honeslty it isnt okay. I am not going to let you do this to me anymore. It’s time for me to stand up and speak out. Im sorry if I hurt your feelings in the progress but now you will feel the pain you cause me everyday.
Love , your so called “friend”

Dear Former Best Friend

10 Feb

Dear Former Best Friend,
I’m sorry i get drunk and do stupid stuff and i can’t believe i stole that $200 bucks from you. But i hope you know its going for a good thing, my court, and dont act like your mom or dad cant give you more money. I literally have noone and i have to take care of my brother. Yes, you have a kid but you have multiple people who wil help you. I have noone. Literally. I feel horrible but if there was one thing i wish it would be that i just took the whole wallet and i know that makes me a horrible person. Sorry that i did that. But im more sorry i got caught. This is me apologizing. I can now say that i told someone and i feel tons better.Ill make it up to you one day.

Dear Reader…Stay Strong :)

7 Dec

Dear reader, ❤
No matter who you or are where your from; no matter how many tears you’ve cried, how many memories you have remembered, no matter what has happened in your life, despite of looks to age, I want you to know something.  I know what it’s like to feel like an outcast. To feel like you don’t belong anywhere, and you never have enough friends. I know what it’s like to be hurt. Heartbroken. Bullied endlessly. I know what it’s like to feel like you can do nothing right, or to feel like this is all too much to take on. But I want you to know I’m here for you. No matter if you feel rejected, hurt, afraid, angry, disappointed, lost, depressed, lonely, isolated, to any other problem, you are an amazing person. I know its hard to be yourself in a world trying to make you like everyone else, but staying true to who you are is even more important. The remarks people have made about you are not true. I don’t even have to know you that well, in order to see that you are worth somebody’s attention to the potential your life possesses. You are not just anyone. You are You. And that is beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you anything different. Sometimes in life we have to go through the hardest times in order to truly get to where we belong. I know it is so hard to be so strong even at a young age. I’m in high-school, and I understand with experience how hard it can be. If you feel like you can’t escape and using self harm is a way to cope, I need you to know this. Even though I have never self harmed myself, I can tell you this. Every time you reach for that blade or any other object like that, I want you to look in the mirror. And say you are somebody who’s going far in life. You are loved. You are beautiful. You are You. And nothing will ever chance that. To those feeling alone, you are never alone. Sometimes it’s good to be alone sometimes, you become your best friend. You truly learn to love yourself, and have a self-confidence not many earn. But remember that many friends and family are always here for you. It is okay to feel like you are lost or even broken, but the thing is, you are never going to be that way forever. The past does not define who you are. Not even the worst mistakes. You can turn your life around with just one smile, to just one thought. To anyone going through a rough time, who feels like the hardship just won’t win. I want you to know, you aren’t the only one. You are such an amazing person who is so strong and smart. You know who you are and not many people seem to these days. I hope who ever reads this feels better about themselves and start’s to smile. Because to me, anything makes a difference. I know what it’s like to be bullied to going through my parent’s divorce, re-marriage to my sibling and father’s depression, and many many unforgettable times. I just need you to know that you are truly beautiful inside and out. Never forget that. Stay strong (:

Dearest Kiley, You saved my life…

29 Sep

Dearest Kiley,
You remember our senior year of high school? On yearbook staff? We were sitting in the corner of that back room, nearest the door. And like typical yearbook staffers, we were not working on the yearbook. We were just chatting, like we always did, and somehow suicide came up. And I don’t know what made you say it, but you said, “If you ever kill yourself, I’m going to punch your corpse at the funeral.”
It was at that moment, when I was 17 years old, that I realized — for the first time since I was ten and made the plans — that I could not kill myself when I turned 18. That it would be a travesty to those who know and love me. I had never known it before then. Before that day, mere months before my eighteenth birthday, the plan had been to off myself on the 22nd of December. And it would have been so easy.
But you, Kiley, you made such a huge impact on my life and how I viewed it that day. I don’t know if I ever told you, but I know I should have. We are no longer close and I don’t believe you feel so strongly about my death as you once did, but I owe you the greatest thank you. Thank you.
Love,
Rachel

Dear Friend

29 Jun

Dear Friend,

It’s been just over a month since you backed out on our ‘follow-our-dreams’ plan, and I’ve barely talked to you since. I know I told that I was okay with you not moving out west with me and that I supported your decision, but I really wasn’t. Maybe it’s because you waited until we were in LA looking for a place to live to make a decision or maybe it’s because you stopped calling me once a week after that trip or maybe it’s because you ran off to Europe for a month. I’m hurt because I was excited, and I quit my job, and I severed my agency contract because we were a WEEK away from moving. And I can’t afford to move by myself yet. Now I’m frustrated and I feel so lost and I am so pissed because you backed out on me. My dreams are put on hold, I’m floundering for another job so I can start saving AGAIN so I can live alone, and you went to Europe (a place we were going to travel to together). You haven’t even bothered to send me an e-mail telling me your okay. It’s not fair – my life comes to a grinding halt because of the choice you made and in exchange you get to see the world. I don’t get a lot of support from my family in regards to my career and my desire to move (to pursue my career) and I thought, of all people, you wouldn’t let me down. But I forgive you. I know you were going through a rough time, and I know you don’t know where your life is headed. I just wanted you to know that it hurt me, but I’ll figure it all out – I usually do because “baby, I’m a star”. You probably won’t read this; I don’t want to say all this to you over the phone either, but on the off chance you see this: I forgive you, and I support you, and I hope all your dreams come true.

Always,

Your former roommate

“You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your self confidence, as old as your fear; as young as your hope, as old as your despair.” -Douglas MacArthur

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